Sunday, January 30, 2011

I Do It To Myself.

I kinda have a problem. I basically care too damn much about people. I tend to worry. Alot. I'm not sure what the deal is, but I tend to want to take other people's troubles onto myself. I want to make people feel better, it's a big deal to me. But the problem is, I get all worried about them and then I feel bad.

I'd be a terrible therapist.

There's a girl I know, she kinda means a lot to me, not romantically or anything, just as a good friend that matters. She's going through a hard spot in life, and it bothers me. I know I shouldn't be all that worried about it, but I am. I don't even know what the issue is, I just know that it's there and I just can't stand that. Here I am, all worked up about something that I don't even know about, not even in my life, but I can't just let it be.

There's a part of me that doesn't want to care, I could tell you all about how people bug me, how people ruin everything and how animals are much better creatures than we are. But I still have it in me to like people, a lot. Maybe it's because I've been through a lot that I want to help other people get through their problems. Maybe it's because I never had anyone to talk to, I don't know. Now, I'm a big believer of doing it myself and going it alone in this world, but really, that's pretty darn hard. Maybe it's just how I am, but I don't want help in life, but I feel a need to help others. How's that for juxtaposition Mr. Smith?

I sort of wish nobody actually did read this, but I suspect the majority of my views are people clicking, and then seeing my long winded rants and exiting. I'd like to think so. These are kinda therapeutic for me, maybe I can find answers myself by telling other people my stories? I dunno. But anyways, life hasn't exactly been easy for me, and I've pretty much had to come to terms with it by myself, which I think is ultimately true for everyone. Psychology is bullshit, Mrs. Groesbeck knows I've figured this out, that's why she's got beef. Anyways, I like to think that I've experienced enough in life to help people with similar things, I'm pretty secure in myself now, but I know not everyone is. It's a struggle for me sometimes to accept that other people don't approach things how I do, not that my way is the only way.

It's hard for me to empathize with people that dwell on negativity, or let their condition get the best of them. Maybe I should tell about this?

So... I guess if you're reading this you already know, but I messed my arm up pretty bad a few years ago riding bikes, and it pretty much doesn't work now. I'm sure you can imagine but that was a pretty hard pill to swallow. Lemme tell you, it ain't easy going from being a high level athlete to being handicapped. Now, I don't view myself as handicapped, or crippled. I guess I have some limitations, but they aren't debilitating, life is what you make of it and I try and make it the best I can. Breaking my arm was the best thing to ever happen to me. I had to change my outlook on life, I had to humble myself and accept what I'd been given. That doesn't mean I was defeated. No, I came back stronger, and more full of life than ever, once I acknowledged my life as it is, I was able to truly embrace who I am.
I'm not handicapped. I'm not crippled. I'm not limited.
I'm strong. I'm proud. I'm a caring and gentle man.

These are things that I had to find out for myself, it pretty much happened overnight. Does it happen that way for everyone? no. Absolutely not. So many people need a buddy to help them through it. Something inside me makes me want to be that buddy, it's probably just so I feel like I've made a difference, like my life is worth it in the long run. Or somethin'.

I don't want to publish this, but if I don't, why would I write it in the first place?

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